It's a done deal. I negotiated a fucking huge salary from the board of directors at what I'll call "the hotel" so I'm jumping ship. I'm leaving the Bistro for good and am taking over as executive chef at an upscale restaurant in an upscale hotel. I will always be amazed at my good fortune in life, especially when I take my shitty attitude into account. All those douche bags that tell you you need a positive attitude to succeed in life are lying to you. I'm living proof. I think 99% of all people are jerk offs and I'm fucking rich now. You know what you need to be successful? First of all you need to be really fucking good at what you do. Work hard to be the best. It doesn't matter what you do, cooking, waiting tables, or shoveling shit, if you are the best at it you will go places. Second, don't take shit from anybody. Crush your enemies like the fucking worms that they are. I can't stand all those "positive attitude" and "self esteem" and "love your fellow man" stupid fucking hippies. All that shit is utter nonsense. While you're sitting around working on your positive fucking attitude I'm doubling my income in the middle of a fucking recession. How do you like that fuckers? I didn't exude happiness or kiss ass at any of the interviews I had to do to get this job. I politely explained that I am the greatest fucking chef in this stupid fucking city (even though I'm not) and they would be utter fools to pass on me. That's all there is to it. If you want to succeed all you need to do is kick ass, attitude has nothing to do with it. Leave the helpful hippies to what they do best, NOTHING.
The Chef Hates You
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Stay Tuned
I understand that all of you have been chomping at the bit for some new ramblings from your favorite anti-socialite gastronamagician. Hold on a little while longer. I'm in the process of changing jobs and that has my time occupied in the 24/7 variety. My potential new job pays about twice as much and should afford me many opportunities to get raging fucking pissed so don't worry, it's gonna get good around here.
I'm in the salary negotiation phase for a juicy executive chef position at a major hotel here in town, so if all goes according to plan I'll have some good rants regarding the office end of things which I've been able to avoid so far in my career. I'm not leaving the line though, don't worry. I can't call myself a chef and sleep at night unless I flip a few pans every shift so the in-your-face straight-from-the-trenches curmudgeonry that this site is not-so-famous for will not diminish I assure you.
Hang tight fuckers. I'll be with you soon...
I'm in the salary negotiation phase for a juicy executive chef position at a major hotel here in town, so if all goes according to plan I'll have some good rants regarding the office end of things which I've been able to avoid so far in my career. I'm not leaving the line though, don't worry. I can't call myself a chef and sleep at night unless I flip a few pans every shift so the in-your-face straight-from-the-trenches curmudgeonry that this site is not-so-famous for will not diminish I assure you.
Hang tight fuckers. I'll be with you soon...
Friday, May 1, 2009
A travel guide for all you American PUSSIES!
I just got back from two weeks in Mexico. You heard me MEXICO! I'm still alive and I don't even have that stupid fucking "Swine Flu" all you spineless twats are all freaked out about. Somebody got the sniffles from Mexico? Boo-fucking-hoo. It's the fucking flu you fucking pansies. Drink some OJ, get some bed rest and get the fuck over it already. Why do all my fellow Americans insist on panicking at the slightest fucking things? I travel a lot and I get a kick out of all the so-called "advice" I get from paranoid douchebags that are too terrified to leave their hotels when they leave home. I spent most of my time in the towns of Tulum and Punta Allen which are far from the safe tourist mecca of Cancun and wouldn't you know it? I survived! Here's my list of do's and don'ts to survive in Mexico:
I DID drink the water.
I DID NOT get sick from it.
I DID get mosquito bites.
I DID NOT get malaria or dengue fever or any other goddamn thing.
I DID eat at back road taco stands.
I DID NOT get food poisoning or even the shits for that matter.
I DID snorkel in the clear blue Caribbean and saw several barracudas.
I DID NOT get bitten. Those pussies where scared as hell of me.
I DID walk the streets after dark, drunk.
I DID NOT get mugged or even feel the slightest bit unsafe.
I DID see policemen walking around carrying submachine guns.
I DID NOT get shaken down for bribes. Actually they were way more friendly than American cops. I would smile and wave and the would smile and wave back.
I DID get to live out my NASCAR fantasies while driving on their highways.
I DID NOT enjoy the realization that American drivers are not only inconsiderate pricks but they have no understanding of how their actions affect the flow of traffic around them. For instance, an American driver will cut you off even there's no one behind you for a mile then drive 10 miles under the speed limit. That shit doesn't fly down there.
I DID use an ATM after dark.
I DID NOT get robbed.
I DID climb a Mayan pyramid and sit on an alter that human sacrifices were performed on.
I DID NOT jerk off on it while singing 'Slayer' lyrics on the top of my lungs even though I really wanted to.
I DID manage to get by on my half-assed grasp on Spanish.
I DID NOT enjoy it when other Americans would come around and act all annoyed when the people they where talking to didn't speak English. Fuck those assholes. You're in their country you spoiled rich cunts! If you can't at least learn a little of their language you are a piece of shit ingrate. These are the same yuppie fucks that would freak out if they encountered someone who doesn't speak English here at home. Oh and while I'm at it, fuck all you racist fucking assholes who get upset when you see signs printed in Spanish here in America. A lot of the street and store signs in Mexico have English versions as well so fuck you. It's called courtesy you shortsighted evil redneck fucks.
I DID enjoy the amazing food, peaceful tranquility, and glorious natural vistas of the Yucatan.
I DID NOT see, hear, or experience in any way the "drug war" that is supposedly ravaging the country. Mexico is a big country and that shit you hear about is confined to a very small part of it. Refusing to go anywhere in Mexico because of that bullshit you hear on the news is like refusing to go to Daytona Beach because there's gang violence in Detroit. Think about it you pack of fucking panicked sheep! You turn on your TV and when it says "jump!" you say "how high?" Form your own fucking opinions and quit living in fear already.
In conclusion, Mexico fucking rules. Grow some balls and get your pansy asses down there. My only complaint is that they use that barbaric fucking metric system. Fuck kilometers and all that shit. 30 degrees is cold not hot you Celsius sucking fucks.
The Chef Hates You.
I DID drink the water.
I DID NOT get sick from it.
I DID get mosquito bites.
I DID NOT get malaria or dengue fever or any other goddamn thing.
I DID eat at back road taco stands.
I DID NOT get food poisoning or even the shits for that matter.
I DID snorkel in the clear blue Caribbean and saw several barracudas.
I DID NOT get bitten. Those pussies where scared as hell of me.
I DID walk the streets after dark, drunk.
I DID NOT get mugged or even feel the slightest bit unsafe.
I DID see policemen walking around carrying submachine guns.
I DID NOT get shaken down for bribes. Actually they were way more friendly than American cops. I would smile and wave and the would smile and wave back.
I DID get to live out my NASCAR fantasies while driving on their highways.
I DID NOT enjoy the realization that American drivers are not only inconsiderate pricks but they have no understanding of how their actions affect the flow of traffic around them. For instance, an American driver will cut you off even there's no one behind you for a mile then drive 10 miles under the speed limit. That shit doesn't fly down there.
I DID use an ATM after dark.
I DID NOT get robbed.
I DID climb a Mayan pyramid and sit on an alter that human sacrifices were performed on.
I DID NOT jerk off on it while singing 'Slayer' lyrics on the top of my lungs even though I really wanted to.
I DID manage to get by on my half-assed grasp on Spanish.
I DID NOT enjoy it when other Americans would come around and act all annoyed when the people they where talking to didn't speak English. Fuck those assholes. You're in their country you spoiled rich cunts! If you can't at least learn a little of their language you are a piece of shit ingrate. These are the same yuppie fucks that would freak out if they encountered someone who doesn't speak English here at home. Oh and while I'm at it, fuck all you racist fucking assholes who get upset when you see signs printed in Spanish here in America. A lot of the street and store signs in Mexico have English versions as well so fuck you. It's called courtesy you shortsighted evil redneck fucks.
I DID enjoy the amazing food, peaceful tranquility, and glorious natural vistas of the Yucatan.
I DID NOT see, hear, or experience in any way the "drug war" that is supposedly ravaging the country. Mexico is a big country and that shit you hear about is confined to a very small part of it. Refusing to go anywhere in Mexico because of that bullshit you hear on the news is like refusing to go to Daytona Beach because there's gang violence in Detroit. Think about it you pack of fucking panicked sheep! You turn on your TV and when it says "jump!" you say "how high?" Form your own fucking opinions and quit living in fear already.
In conclusion, Mexico fucking rules. Grow some balls and get your pansy asses down there. My only complaint is that they use that barbaric fucking metric system. Fuck kilometers and all that shit. 30 degrees is cold not hot you Celsius sucking fucks.
The Chef Hates You.
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