Q&A With Your Favorite Angry Chef

I get a lot of questions, both e-mails and from the people that know me. I'm pretty sure these are questions that all chefs get and we usually give some bullshit answer that maintains the illusions you people have that keep us in business. Enough of that shit, it's honesty time...

"What is your favorite thing to cook?"
Whatever costs me the least and allows me to charge you the most, that's what. Seriously, I don't give a shit. It's all the same to me. If people were willing to pay for dogshit and toenail flambe that would probably be my favorite.

"What is your favorite thing to eat?"
Ass! How do you like that? I already know what kind of answer people are looking for when they ask that, they're expecting me to tell them about some lovely, high end dish that they can order next time to make themselves feel important. Honestly, chefs and cooks have pretty mundane eating habits. Usually I'll grab a good looking saute pan out of the bus tub and wipe it clean with a piece of bread. That's dinner for me. You would be amazed to see the home kitchens of most professional cooks. Top Ramen and Mac and Cheese is about all you'll find usually. If you can find the kitchen at all under the pile of empty to-go boxes, porn, and rusty razor blades. Since I moved in with my girlfriend a couple years ago I've managed to build up a pretty respectable home kitchen, but I'd guess about 75% of the pros don't cook much outside of work. We order pizza just as much as the next guy.

"Is cooking fun?"
Professional cooking is about as fun as a razor wire and Tabasco colonoscopy. It's fucking hard work people. We're not back there prancing around having the time of our lives, we're busting ass. I honestly love it, but it ain't fun.

"If you could open any type of restaurant, what would it be?"
A titty bar that serves hot dogs and slingshots. That would be fun as hell! I'd need a pretty good fucking lawyer to pull that one off I think. In reality I don't have a preference. What I would open depends on the location. I've been in the business for a very long time, I don't fantasize about shit like that.

"which do you prefer, Hell's Kitchen or Top Chef?"
The chef hates you.