Fuck You and Your Needs

There's nothing like a perfectly timed special order to inspire me and spur my imagination. Just tonight I realized that a good pair of tongs would make an excellent branding iron when held atop the flames for a while then applied to some dumb fucker's forehead. Hey, I can dream can't I? Most people who special order are deluded cunts* who have convinced themselves that they're special and cannot be expected to order and eat the same slop as the rest of the herd. Fuck them. There's a whole other breed of special orderer however. Beside the fact that orderer isn't a word I'm forced to accommodate people with dietary needs, allergies, and religious concerns. Let's start with the concerned dieters. I'm a fucking chef not a dietitian, I have no fucking clue how many calories are in the dish, sorry. Ditto for fat grams or those ungodly "carbs". If you are on a diet you have no business whatsoever eating in an Italian restaurant. (Oh shit, I guess the cat's outta the bag, I cook Italian food.) Fuck you and your diet. I'm so glad that Atkins shit has died off. When that stupid shit was in style my life was an even bigger hell than usual. You wanna talk about special requests? Holy fucking shit! When the brainless zombies known as the dining public got all fired up on that stupid fucking Atkins diet fad I was inundated with requests like Pizza with no crust and Sandwiches with no bread! Insanity. If you're counting calories then stay the fuck at home, that shit is not my job. When it comes to people with food allergies I honestly feel sorry for them. I love food in all it's forms and I can't imagine having to avoid certain foods because I might get sick. What pisses me off is the ones who wear their allergies like a badge of honor or something. Go eat at a fucking hospital cafeteria and leave me the fuck out of it. I already have to eat those shitty pretzels on the plane on account of you allergy fuckers so please don't fuck with me any more. Some people lie about it. I had a customer tell me he was allergic to salt! What the fuck is that shit? If you were allergic to salt you wouldn't have survived conception you lying fuck! If you don't want me to add salt to your food that's fine but please don't assume I'm fucking stupid and hit me with a bullshit lie like that. When It comes to the religious fuckers I honestly get a kick out of 'em. I'm a red blooded atheist myself and the fact that people are willing to pass up on things like pork, lobster, and blow jobs just because their imaginary friend threatened them is funny and baffling to me. I have a mischievous streak in me, believe it or not, and when some holy motherfucker says I have to leave out an ingredient because it's against their religion I get excited! Do you really want to give someone like me the power to send you to hell? That's an opportunity I can't resist! I absolutely love the notion that you could wake up in the afterlife, condemned to eternal damnation, even after following all the rules your whole life just because some asshole like me plopped a hambone into your sauce while it was cooking. There's gotta be at least a hundred religious retards out there who will rot for all eternity thanks to me and my deft use of bacon. If your god tells you you can't eat shellfish and pork then your god must not like you very much. I say ditch His bullshit and let the pros like me rock your world with some mind blowing, tasty shit! It's real simple fuckers! When you enter a restaurant, look at the menu. If you can't or won't eat what's on it then DON'T EAT THERE.
The Chef Hates You.

*My girlfriend just chewed me out for not using the word 'cunt' once in the history of this blog, so there you go.