My Kind Of Field Trip

This should tide you over. I'll write something new when I feel like it. Fuck y'all.

Restaurant owners are batshit crazy.

Seriously fucking nuts they are. All of them. You would have to be a fucking loon to want to open a restaurant in the first place. I think it's the least profitable type of business on earth. I've worked for a lot of people over the years and every last one of them is a certified wacko. I don't think there's a restaurant on earth that is owned by someone with sufficient knowledge and experience to warrant their position. Probably because no one with knowledge and experience in the business would be crazy enough to open one. I sure as shit never would. I know how restaurants work, I'm not about to tie up my money in that shit. Most owners are stupid rich twats who thought it would be 'neat' to have their own restaurant and have no clue what they got themselves into. Working for that type is a nightmare. They live in a perpetual fantasy land. They have no grasp on the ugly realities of restaurant life. Emergency Sunday night refrigeration repairs, a horny, drug addled staff or the nonstop onslaught from roaches and rats don't fit into their quaint delusions and they just can't hack it. Just because you eat out a lot and know what you like doesn't mean you have what it takes to run the place, got it? I see a lot of movies, that doesn't qualify me to produce one now does it? Then you've got the even richer twats that open one up just have a personal restaurant. They'll walk in and tell a server to hook them up with a latte or demand the kitchen cook them something extravagant in the middle of the fucking dinner rush. Guess what douchebag? While we're busy making your dinner and that poor server is making your fucking latte (fuck lattes. Do a shot of espresso if you want Italian coffee. Lattes are bullshit.) we are not taking care of your customers you spoiled rich worthless asshole! Yet you fucking fume when the place isn't making you a mint. Get real you fuck. You're running a business, it's not your personal playpen. Occasionally you'll get someone who does a good job. They don't stick their noses into affairs they don't understand and keep the place in a decent state of repair. The place runs smoothly and the owner is raking it in. They are still restaurant owners though and it's in their nature to fuck the whole thing up. They don't understand that their restaurant's success is probably due to the things they're not doing, not the things they are doing. Greed takes over. They're convinced that they are geniuses and try to start an empire. I worked for a guy that had a packed house every night. Convinced of his business savvy he opened four more identical restaurants in one month. They tanked. In an attempt to keep them afloat he took all the money and decor from the original place that was doing good and spread it around all his other places. The cost cutting the original store had to do caused business to drop off in a big way. He's bankrupt now when he should be sitting high on the hog. He had to sell everything for pennies on the dollar of what he spent. Dumbass. Finally, the absolute worst thing an owner can do is get friendly with customers. I can understand the idea but in reality it creates a horrible situation. When the owner walks through the dining room introducing him or herself to the customers in an attempt to make them feel welcome he's creating monsters without realizing it. Most of those asshole yuppie customers get the idea that they are now friends with the owner and deserve preferential treatment. On their next visit they will go off on a "I know the owner" rant when we dare to charge them for their appetizer or something. Fucking ridiculous. Then some frazzled server runs to me to come out and talk down the asshole. I fucking hate talking to customers. Luckily I'm 6'2" and 235lbs with a permanent scowl on my face that's been there since I was two. Most people aren't to inclined to fuck with me. But I hate having to leave what I'm doing just to go explain to some asshole that they don't get a bunch of free shit because the owner said hi to them once. The best thing an owner can do is hire competent management, don't make us beg for money to make necessary repairs, and stay the fuck out of the way. If you do that your restaurant will be a smashing success. If not, your fucked and the chef hates you.

I'm Back

I'm back from Daytona. What a fucking great place. It's a beautiful Florida beach town but it's not yuppified in the slightest. A bunch of bikers and gear heads hanging out and getting loaded with a gorgeous beach chock full of hot broads with bathing suits that contain less fabric than you'd find in the top of a fucking aspirin bottle. February in the sun! What a fucking trip. The Daytona 500 was a blast. I've never followed auto racing before but that shit was fun as hell. The race got called off early because of rain (the only day it rained while I was there) but I wasn't complaining. You can drink and smoke in the stands which was nice. Shit you can smoke anywhere in that town! The fact that sitting in a bar and enjoying a beer and a cigarette at the same time seems like a privilege to me is a sad sad thing. Land of the free my ass. Uptight P.C. bullshit cold ass Washington State can blow me! Oh well, I've been back for about 6 hours and I'm already pissed off again. Stay tuned.

An Explanation

I will never apologize for anything I write here. Let's get that straight. I did receive an e-mail this morning that made me want to clarify something, however. In the 'Oooh La La' post I mentioned knowing a "rogue fish poacher". Let me explain. The restaurant business is fiercely competitive. In order to have an edge, a chef has to to business with some shady people. People who can hook me up with stuff the other restaurants don't have. When copper river salmon season comes around, everyone in this area is dying to empty their wallets to eat some. If I can get it a week before anyone else, I will. I do not condone fish poaching in any way though. The state of Alaska has that river under intense scrutiny so I know the fish was caught legally. How they can get it to me so soon is something I don't ask. I am a fisherman and fish poachers piss me off. Anyone who fishes in closed waters, without a license, with illegal gear, or exceeds their limit is an evil fuck who should be tarred, feathered, and castrated. Here in Wahington there is a delicate balance between commercial fishing (a huge part of this state's economy), tribal fishing rights (western WA is home to some of the most organized and wealthy indian tribes in the country and they are adamant about their fishing rights), and recreational angling. Cheating fucks the whole thing up. We haven't been allowed to harvest abalone for a few years now thanks to those dickhead poachers. So to answer your question, no I don't buy poached fish. That guy I mentioned probably could hook me up with some but I wouldn't do that. Don't ever doubt me again!

Tips for the home cook.

I get a lot of e-mails asking for cooking tips for some strange reason. First of all, professional cooking and home cooking are two very different worlds. I know cooks that are gods among men when it comes to busting ass on the line, but once you get them home they can't operate their own ovens to save their lives. I get annoyed when I'm going to eat at a friend's house and they get all self-conscious because a chef is coming over. I love home cooked food and I'm not so much of an asshole to critique your food when I'm a guest in your home. Anyway, in the last few years I've crossed into the territory of home cooking and I have a few tips for you.

1. Unless you get off on torturing slugs, throw that box of morton salt in the trash. Go and buy some good salt. Sea salt or kosher salt is the way to go. It's really not expensive and you will notice the difference in your food.
2. Buy whole pepper and get yourself a pepper grinder. Preground pepper tastes like hay. Proper seasoning is crucial to good food. It's really more important than most think. That's why I listed these two first. Proper seasoning can make the difference between a slam dunk and fucking pig slop.
3. Use fresh herbs. Go through your cupboard and throw away all your dried herbs except oregano, bay leaves, tarragon, and dill. Fresh is always the way to go but those herbs actually retain some flavor after drying, all others are crap. If you have dried basil or parsley and would consider putting them in your food, send me your address so I can come by and beat some sense into you. Put that shit into dime bags and sell it to some junior high kids or put it in the trash. It's not food, don't use it. Dried rosemary has flavor but it's hard as a rock and feels like petrified pine needles in your mouth. I recommend growing your own. If you have a spot in your yard that gets a little sun, throw in a rosemary bush. A start costs like five bucks and you'll have a lifetime supply. If you have a yard, you are doing yourself a major disservice by not growing rosemary. Just plant it and forget it. It'll do the rest.
4. Seek out cool food stores. Chances are there's some specialty stores in your area. Check them out. I found a cool little Mexican market near here that has some great stuff you can't get at the big chain supermarkets. Asian markets rule as well. The one near me has an amazing array of fresh locally grown produce for way cheaper than the grocery store. Asian markets are where you'll find the best seafood too. Better shit for cheaper, sounds good to me. Hit up any farmer's markets in your area too. Local is better. Support your local farmers and get the really good stuff.
5. Buy small vegetables. Resist the good ol' American mentality that says "if a little is good, then a lot must be better!" Carrots the size of your arm or tomatoes the size of a grapefruit don't taste good. Smaller, younger vegetables are more tender and much more flavorful.

That's all I got for now. I have to head into work and get stomped on now. Good luck.

You're not funny, don't try

If you work in a restaurant, or frequent one that has an open kitchen and you happen to see a cook pounding out pieces of meat with a mallet, do the world a favor. Do not make a "beating your meat" joke. That shit wasn't funny the first time I heard it 20 fucking years ago and it ain't funny now. "Hey! Looks like you're beating your meat!" Hardy Fucking Har! I'll beat your fucking kneecaps with this thing, asshole! When someone gets stuck with the tedious duty of pounding out 20 or 30 pounds of meat they will be in no mood to hear your lame-ass attempts at humor so don't do it. Not that cooks have a problem with masturbation humor or anything, it's just the simple fact that that joke sucks and we've all heard it at least 8,000 times. Stick to what you do best, shutting the fuck up.
The chef hates you.

Payback Biatch!!!

You'll never guess what! The other day I was sitting around as usual, boiling with hatred for all the yuppies that can afford to eat in my restaurant, and dreaming of strangling that guy that sat there for a split second to long when the light turned green when lo and behold! My girlfriend won a trip for two to the Daytona 500!! I'm not even fucking joking! Nation wide fucking sweepstakes and my woman won it!! Karma's a bitch isn't it? I spend my free time cursing my fellow man on the internet and the universe saw it's way fit to kick me down a free trip to Daytona Beach fucking Florida! Fuck yea! Being me rules sometimes. Fuck the recession! I'm going to the fucking beach! Flight, hotel, and tickets to the fucking Great American Race! Oh! And EIGHT free beer tickets!! I've got a hard on the size of Texas right now! I'm an old pro but even I can catch a healthy buzz off eight beers! The next time one of you heartless yuppie bastards goes out to eat and decides that your tab includes the right to be an absolute prick to the staff remember, not only will your bullshit be immortalized in print for all the world to see, but you are scoring karmic points for people like me who unrepentantly hate your guts! I love it! Thanks to you I get to be a dick and win free shit!
Don't worry, yuppies. Just because I'm going to Daytona Beach for free doesn't mean I don't hate you!