Scroll down the page past that cool-ass picture of cupid lying dead from a shot from my bow that symbolizes the death of all your bullshit yuppie fantasies about chefs and all other service industry types that you're convinced exist to serve you and love it and don't harbor any hatreds towards your vapid fucking asses. There you will find the 'important links' section. Hang on a second, let me recover from that bad ass run on sentence I just composed. Whew, ok I'm back. Anyway, you need to click on, and learn from, all of those links.
1) The Brownie Troop Fishing Show.
I put this one at the top because I was raised in the pacific northwest and fishing is like a fucking religion to me. This site, I think, is a great approximation of what fishing is all about. Rollicking good times as well as stately reverence. The guy in charge is the guitarist of the band Ween. If you've never heard 'em, quit fucking around and buy their shit. Deaner plays a mean strat and can land monstrous aquatic beats by the truckload. I also hear he's no slouch in the kitchen. Those activities will only raise a man in my estimation. Check it out.
2) The movie Waiting.
A brilliant film. The man who made it obviously spent time in the business. Granted, it centers around the front of the house, but the cooks are well represented. Honestly, life in the kitchen would make a boring movie because a cook's daily routine is horribly repetitive so I'm willing to let a movie about servers be the definitive restaurant movie for now. The reality of restaurant life is exaggerated for comic effect, but it does a good job of reflecting 'The Life'. Buy it, rent it, steal it, fuck it, whatever. Just see the fucking thing.
3) The Bible.
You heard me. Kitchen Confidential. The king hell fuck epic of professional cooking. All bow to THE Bourdain. This fucking guy was a REAL chef. Then he struck it big and now he gets paid to travel the world, eat great food, and bang hot tang. Read it now. I'll wait. Learn the truth fuckers! Seriously, Bourdain rules and this is a must read.
4)The Alphabet Of Manliness.
A brilliant book. The A-Z of all thing male. Featuring important topics like boners, violence, urinal etiquette, and beef jerky. A must read for Y-chromosome enthusiasts everywhere. It was written by a man named Maddox. He also has a website that is a fucking riot. Check it.
5)Mozilla Firefox
If you are looking at this page with internet explorer I probably have your social security number by now with all the spyware I intentionally distribute via my site. Seriously, ditch that shit. Firefox is secure, very easy to use, and free! There is a cool tab system at the top that keeps all the pages you have open well organized without clogging up your taskbar. You can have all your favorite sites (mine included) laid out in a row at the top of the page for one click browsing. Internet explorer sucks, don't use it.
I'll update this as I add more. I know the reason you come to this site is to become enlightened so why don't you expedite the process and click the links already?
The chef won't hate you as much if you do.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Cooks and Servers. A Fragile Peace. PT.2
I just realized I started my last post talking about the fact that I respect my waitstaff, then went on a hateful rant about them. Oh well. This blog isn't about things I like now is it? Here is the numero uno, single most heinous act of bullshitery a server can pull. This thing makes me want to super glue them to a chair, pump them full of antibiotics, and pick their faces off with a pair of rusty tweezers. I figure it'll take 'em a month or two to die. A fitting end to a fucking bastard who would dare to LET THEIR PERSONAL TASTES INTERFERE WITH MY MENU!!!!! Fuck you! I've had to deal with this way more times than karma should dictate. And I've done some fucked up shit in my time, let me tell you. It's a simple thing. The server doesn't like, say calamari. So when one of their customers asks about the calamari the server actually tells them it isn't any good. YOU DIE NOW! I don't give a shit what you like. How fucking dare you tell a customer that ANYTHING on the menu isn't good! Just because you don't like something doesn't mean someone else won't. I don't care if a certain item tastes like filleted pig shit to you, don't you EVER suggest that something on the menu isn't good. I am human, believe it or not. I am prone to mistakes as much as anyone else. If there are consistent complaints about a certain menu item, I need to know. I'll fix it if that's the case. But really, if you knew shit about food you'd be writing the menus and not hustling them, so don't overstep your bounds.
Now, beside all that shit, I do really like servers and respect what they do. Some of my old friends for life have done time in the front of the house. It's a tough job and I know it. When they are subjected to abuse that they don't deserve at the hands of those rotten fucking customers, I'm fucking pissed and I'm on their side. All you yuppie bastards that feel the need to pay to pick on someone, fuck with the bussers not the servers. Bussers are straight up bitches through and through to the fucking core. I don't respect bussers and neither should you. I know they are valuable to servers but I can't stand the little fuckers. Some brainless 16 year old looking for a summer job should grow a pair and apply for the dish pit. I treat my dishwashers like royalty. Dishwashers are the shit. Good ones that is. They are the lifeblood of the professional kitchen, they sweat their nuts and/or ovaries off making sure the whole damn resaurant is squared away and I make damn sure they are well fed and kept happy. Bussers on the other hand where born to be shit on. Fill water glasses? Oh my! Drop off bread baskets? Whoopie! Clear off tables? Oh the humanity! Fuck those little turds. I hate it when a busser has been around a while and joins his server bretheren in their nonstop whining for free food. Can you say 'blow me'? Just like anywhere else in life, people who kiss ass make more money than people who work hard. Severs make more money than cooks, that's why you're charged for your meals. If you little busser bitches don't like that, grow some balls, put on some whites and some checks, and do some real work and I'll see about feeding your little ass. Until then, you can tongue my dung shutter! Bussers are expendable as fuck. Fuck 'em. Next time you asshole yuppies are out to eat, take your pent up frustrations out on the bussers, not the professionals that can hook you up. Think about it.
The Chef Hates You
Now, beside all that shit, I do really like servers and respect what they do. Some of my old friends for life have done time in the front of the house. It's a tough job and I know it. When they are subjected to abuse that they don't deserve at the hands of those rotten fucking customers, I'm fucking pissed and I'm on their side. All you yuppie bastards that feel the need to pay to pick on someone, fuck with the bussers not the servers. Bussers are straight up bitches through and through to the fucking core. I don't respect bussers and neither should you. I know they are valuable to servers but I can't stand the little fuckers. Some brainless 16 year old looking for a summer job should grow a pair and apply for the dish pit. I treat my dishwashers like royalty. Dishwashers are the shit. Good ones that is. They are the lifeblood of the professional kitchen, they sweat their nuts and/or ovaries off making sure the whole damn resaurant is squared away and I make damn sure they are well fed and kept happy. Bussers on the other hand where born to be shit on. Fill water glasses? Oh my! Drop off bread baskets? Whoopie! Clear off tables? Oh the humanity! Fuck those little turds. I hate it when a busser has been around a while and joins his server bretheren in their nonstop whining for free food. Can you say 'blow me'? Just like anywhere else in life, people who kiss ass make more money than people who work hard. Severs make more money than cooks, that's why you're charged for your meals. If you little busser bitches don't like that, grow some balls, put on some whites and some checks, and do some real work and I'll see about feeding your little ass. Until then, you can tongue my dung shutter! Bussers are expendable as fuck. Fuck 'em. Next time you asshole yuppies are out to eat, take your pent up frustrations out on the bussers, not the professionals that can hook you up. Think about it.
The Chef Hates You
Friday, January 23, 2009
New E-mail
You rotten bastards can now reach me at "thechefhatesyou@gmail.com"
That crappy hotmail account of mine turned into a fucking spamfest. I think I can manage the new one a little better. I may even respond one of these days! All you spammers can lick me where I shit by the way.
That crappy hotmail account of mine turned into a fucking spamfest. I think I can manage the new one a little better. I may even respond one of these days! All you spammers can lick me where I shit by the way.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Cooks and Servers. A Fragile Peace. PT.1
This is the one area where I might differ from some of my fellow chefs and cooks. I actually respect my waitstaff. I've been in the business for a long time and I realize how much easier my life is working with a competent waitstaff that I get along with. I also realize that I wouldn't last five minutes doing their job before I fucking choked someone. This hasn't always been the case though. A young cook will make the mistake of blaming the server for a sin committed by a customer and lash out at them. I always enjoyed that back in the day. I've met a few servers that came close, but no one (and I mean NO ONE!) can step to me when it comes to a hurling a hateful shit storm in someone's face and I'll always win whether I'm right or wrong. There's been some close games but in the long haul cooks are in the lead when it comes to fucking with the other side of the house. Servers tend to be smarter (book smart, that is) than cooks but they know cooks are psychos and will reach for a knife at a last resort. That's why servers will back the fuck off in a fight even if they have right on their side. I've worked at a few places where there was a daily all out war between the front and back of the house. I enjoyed it back then because I always knew that once I brought up my desire to buttfuck their grandmothers with a tire iron (or something equally foul) they would cower and run. Now that I've ascended to chefdom I don't like to play like that. I'm to old for the war. A competent waitstaff that is on my side is a blessing, I've come to realize. Sell the things I need them to sell. Stagger their tickets, and don't cop a fucking attitude with me and the night breezes by.
There are still things that servers do that piss me off and they are as follows:
1. Hoarding tickets. When you take an order, TURN THE FUCKING THING IN!! Don't hang on to it. Don't stop and chat with a table. Don't run and grab drinks first. And don't even dream of taking another order before you turn it in. I see red when a server turns in multiple tables at once. If you order it all at once, it's all coming up at once. We all know you can't run four tables of food at the same time so don't fucking order it like that. Which leads to the next point.
2. Pick up your fucking food while it's hot! Nothing irritates a cook like seeing a beautiful plate of food he made turn to shit under the lights. If you don't have time to pick it up then don't bother turning the fucking order in. I don't give a flying fuck how busy you are. Hot food is priority one. I laugh inside (and scream outside) when a server complains that they're busy. "I have seven tables!" Tough shit crybaby. I have EVERY table.
3. Unnecessary modifications. Ok so you're busy right? Then how the fuck did you find the time to add "no onions" to the caesar salad you just ordered? There are no onions on the caesar and there never will be. I don't give a shit if the customer asked for no onions. You should know the fucking thing has no onions. Making stupid, unnecessary requests like that gives me the impression that you have no fucking clue about the food you are serving and should be fired and/or beaten. I fucking hate it when servers pull that shit. I've had servers put in orders asking me to leave off items we don't even carry. Bring a menu home and read the fucking thing. Stop wasting everyone's time. Which, again, leads to my next point.
4. Filter the bullshit! When a server puts in an order, it should be clear and concise. I don't have time to read a fucking novel on the ticket. Don't bother to tell me the customer is in a hurry. I don't give the slightest shit if a customer is in a hurry. I'm not about to alter my program just because some stupid fuck doesn't know how to manage their time. Another thing I ignore is "light sauce, dressing, garlic etc." In eighteen years of cooking I've never altered a recipe for that stupid request and I've never received a complaint. Don't waste your and my time by even asking. Leave stupid requests and questions in the dining room. Don't bring them to my kitchen.
5. Get to the point! If you need to talk to me during service, make it quick. Don't fill me in on all the details of your table. I don't have time to care if it's a birthday, anniversary, if they're nice or not, or what-the fuck-ever. Just tell me what you need and tell me fast. If you fucked up and forgot something that should have been on the ticket, buck up, admit it, tell me what you need, accept your verbal lashing and get your ass back to your tables.
6. Encouraging special orders. My disdain for special orders is well documented. Servers who push that shit on their tables are near the top of my list of people to kill should I come down with a terminal illness or something. The fact is, your customers will be just as happy (and tip just as much) with a straight up menu selection than whatever bullshit you sold them so don't do it. The only thing that pisses me off more than that is the server's lame attempts to get away with it. If you are the only server whose tables make the same special request all night I'm not gonna buy it when you tell me "they asked for it like that." Don't insult me you fuck!
OK I've been typing for way too long. I'm a high school dropout for fuck's sake, this shit takes me a while! It's time for me to wash the garlic out of my pores and hit the fucking bottle. I'm not even done here though. I'll chime in with a part two in a few days.
The Chef Hates You
There are still things that servers do that piss me off and they are as follows:
1. Hoarding tickets. When you take an order, TURN THE FUCKING THING IN!! Don't hang on to it. Don't stop and chat with a table. Don't run and grab drinks first. And don't even dream of taking another order before you turn it in. I see red when a server turns in multiple tables at once. If you order it all at once, it's all coming up at once. We all know you can't run four tables of food at the same time so don't fucking order it like that. Which leads to the next point.
2. Pick up your fucking food while it's hot! Nothing irritates a cook like seeing a beautiful plate of food he made turn to shit under the lights. If you don't have time to pick it up then don't bother turning the fucking order in. I don't give a flying fuck how busy you are. Hot food is priority one. I laugh inside (and scream outside) when a server complains that they're busy. "I have seven tables!" Tough shit crybaby. I have EVERY table.
3. Unnecessary modifications. Ok so you're busy right? Then how the fuck did you find the time to add "no onions" to the caesar salad you just ordered? There are no onions on the caesar and there never will be. I don't give a shit if the customer asked for no onions. You should know the fucking thing has no onions. Making stupid, unnecessary requests like that gives me the impression that you have no fucking clue about the food you are serving and should be fired and/or beaten. I fucking hate it when servers pull that shit. I've had servers put in orders asking me to leave off items we don't even carry. Bring a menu home and read the fucking thing. Stop wasting everyone's time. Which, again, leads to my next point.
4. Filter the bullshit! When a server puts in an order, it should be clear and concise. I don't have time to read a fucking novel on the ticket. Don't bother to tell me the customer is in a hurry. I don't give the slightest shit if a customer is in a hurry. I'm not about to alter my program just because some stupid fuck doesn't know how to manage their time. Another thing I ignore is "light sauce, dressing, garlic etc." In eighteen years of cooking I've never altered a recipe for that stupid request and I've never received a complaint. Don't waste your and my time by even asking. Leave stupid requests and questions in the dining room. Don't bring them to my kitchen.
5. Get to the point! If you need to talk to me during service, make it quick. Don't fill me in on all the details of your table. I don't have time to care if it's a birthday, anniversary, if they're nice or not, or what-the fuck-ever. Just tell me what you need and tell me fast. If you fucked up and forgot something that should have been on the ticket, buck up, admit it, tell me what you need, accept your verbal lashing and get your ass back to your tables.
6. Encouraging special orders. My disdain for special orders is well documented. Servers who push that shit on their tables are near the top of my list of people to kill should I come down with a terminal illness or something. The fact is, your customers will be just as happy (and tip just as much) with a straight up menu selection than whatever bullshit you sold them so don't do it. The only thing that pisses me off more than that is the server's lame attempts to get away with it. If you are the only server whose tables make the same special request all night I'm not gonna buy it when you tell me "they asked for it like that." Don't insult me you fuck!
OK I've been typing for way too long. I'm a high school dropout for fuck's sake, this shit takes me a while! It's time for me to wash the garlic out of my pores and hit the fucking bottle. I'm not even done here though. I'll chime in with a part two in a few days.
The Chef Hates You
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Fuck winter.
I'm sick of this shit. The basil sucks balls this time of year. Top dollar for wilted brown shit. The seafood sucks and the customers are bitchier than usual. That and I just got a bad ass new fishing pole for my birthday. I get to do nothing but look at it for a couple months. Fucking torture. Western Washington will give Hawaii a run for it's money in the summertime. This time of year it's hell on earth. Fucking rain and more rain. Bring the spring! I wanna feel a big ass kokanee tap my line like a cheap whore then bring it home and grill it up on an alder plank while I polish off the second twelver of the day for fuck's sake! Tough shit if that doesn't make sense. I worked my ass of tonight and I'm drunk. Fuck y'all...
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ooh La La!
My oh my aren't we sophisticated? You look like the type of yuppie that knows his shit. You know your wine, your cheese, and you'd never be fooled by farm raised salmon would you? Except you fucking would! HA HA HA!
In the last decade or two, western Washington state enjoyed (and still enjoys) a massive influx of California yuppies who strangely decided to embark on a mass exodus from the Golden State to our humble shores. They brought with them their lovely yuppie culture that some of the more affluent north westerners decided to adopt. Therein lies the problem. Yuppieism just doesn't jive with the northwest lifestyle. Forget Microsoft. The true residents of Puget Sound are a bunch of hard drinkin' hard fishin' deer slayin' foul mouthed lumberjacks. Yuppie isn't in their blood. Yet they try. And the results are absolutely fucking laughable.
One of the things I require of my waitstaff is to act as a sort of bullshit filter between me and the dining room. They don't always succeed. Some dumbass wannabe yuppie stumps them and they pass their ingenious inquiry onto me.
This time of year it's always the same. "Is the salmon wild?" they ask me. It's fucking January you fucking dip shit! Coho salmon is a fucking threatened species and Chinook isn't far behind it. Sorry if I don't have a hook up with some rogue fish poacher (actually I do, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna share it with you!) but in the dead of winter there ain't no damn wild salmon from Washington waters that hasn't been in the freezer for fucking months! Do you see what I mean? Some yuppie jerkoff trying to show off their top shelf taste with that question has revealed their bottom tier intelligence. The funny thing is, you could tell them the salmon is wild and serve them some fucked up, farm raised, color added shit fish and they'd never even fucking know the difference. Trust me, I've done it. Those posh motherfuckers have never caught a fish in their lives, they don't know shit. Here's another one, "Are the clams local?"!!!!!!! Are you seriously fucking kidding me? Are the clams local? Fuck you and that stupid fucking question! If you are such a fucking connoisseur of shellfish you would know that WASHINGTON STATE IS THE LEADING SUPPLIER OF CLAMS IN THE UNITED STATES OF FUCKING AMERICA!!!!! You would have to leave this fucking hemisphere to avoid Washington clams you fucking ignorant twat! Of course they're fucking local! Eric Ripert is probably serving manila clams from Washington state right now in New York fucking city so fuck you! Fuck you and your dumb ass question that wasn't really a question but a lame attempt to show off your 'knowledge'. You suck and you don't know dick shit about food so stop trying to impress me. I already hate you, why are you trying to make it worse? Just shut up and eat you fake ass wannabe yuppie pieces of fucking shit! The chef hates you.
In the last decade or two, western Washington state enjoyed (and still enjoys) a massive influx of California yuppies who strangely decided to embark on a mass exodus from the Golden State to our humble shores. They brought with them their lovely yuppie culture that some of the more affluent north westerners decided to adopt. Therein lies the problem. Yuppieism just doesn't jive with the northwest lifestyle. Forget Microsoft. The true residents of Puget Sound are a bunch of hard drinkin' hard fishin' deer slayin' foul mouthed lumberjacks. Yuppie isn't in their blood. Yet they try. And the results are absolutely fucking laughable.
One of the things I require of my waitstaff is to act as a sort of bullshit filter between me and the dining room. They don't always succeed. Some dumbass wannabe yuppie stumps them and they pass their ingenious inquiry onto me.
This time of year it's always the same. "Is the salmon wild?" they ask me. It's fucking January you fucking dip shit! Coho salmon is a fucking threatened species and Chinook isn't far behind it. Sorry if I don't have a hook up with some rogue fish poacher (actually I do, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna share it with you!) but in the dead of winter there ain't no damn wild salmon from Washington waters that hasn't been in the freezer for fucking months! Do you see what I mean? Some yuppie jerkoff trying to show off their top shelf taste with that question has revealed their bottom tier intelligence. The funny thing is, you could tell them the salmon is wild and serve them some fucked up, farm raised, color added shit fish and they'd never even fucking know the difference. Trust me, I've done it. Those posh motherfuckers have never caught a fish in their lives, they don't know shit. Here's another one, "Are the clams local?"!!!!!!! Are you seriously fucking kidding me? Are the clams local? Fuck you and that stupid fucking question! If you are such a fucking connoisseur of shellfish you would know that WASHINGTON STATE IS THE LEADING SUPPLIER OF CLAMS IN THE UNITED STATES OF FUCKING AMERICA!!!!! You would have to leave this fucking hemisphere to avoid Washington clams you fucking ignorant twat! Of course they're fucking local! Eric Ripert is probably serving manila clams from Washington state right now in New York fucking city so fuck you! Fuck you and your dumb ass question that wasn't really a question but a lame attempt to show off your 'knowledge'. You suck and you don't know dick shit about food so stop trying to impress me. I already hate you, why are you trying to make it worse? Just shut up and eat you fake ass wannabe yuppie pieces of fucking shit! The chef hates you.
Friday, January 2, 2009
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