Mess with your food? Me?

Let me put a little myth to rest right here and now. There is a widely held belief that a cook will fuck with and/or spit in your food when angered (not that it stops you people from angering us at every opportunity) but let me assure you it's not true. No matter how pissed off I am at you yuppie bastards, I'll never tamper with your food. For one I think it's a cowardly thing to do. I'll spit in your face long before I spit in your meal. Second, those meals are like my children. I take a lot of pride in the food I cook. I work my nuts off to make the best food I possibly can. I sweat bullets, get burned and cut up on a daily basis to make sure my food is the best it can be. I would never, EVER spit in one of my creations. Even though you may be some yuppie jerkoff who doesn't deserve the air you breath let alone one of my masterfully prepared meals, I'll never sabotage the food. Not that it doesn't cross my mind though. There are times when I'm tempted to tea-bag every dish that hits the window, but usually the worst I'll do to the food if the customer is an especially grievous asshole is not give it any love. I'll just whip it together as fast as I can to get it out of my way. The absolute worst thing I'll do is if a customer comes in just before closing time (not the first crime against humanity they've commited that day I'm sure). I will be visibly shaking with anger. I will curse you and your family. And I will "grill" your steak in the fucking microwave. No spit but no love either. Get it?

Until next time remember, The chef hates you.